the curse on your lips

oh my god. i am so ending this livejournal.

OMG.
I am in a review session right now. the GSI does not seem like she knows what she's talking about. seeing as she has been corrected twice on minor things....
A lot of things have been going through my head... I am super psyched for the upcoming semester.
Global Poverty, Soc Theory, and Spanish. I'm hella excited. haha such a nerd, I know XD.
I'm also looking forward to seeing everyone... and obviously smoking with the old gang...
But the last couple weeks have definitely been ... just ... overwhelming.
I feel like I've lost a friend, but well ... I don't have room in my life for assholes.
I'm also kinda shocked and uncomfortable with my feelings. I did not particularly want to feel this way about someone. I hate the nervousness and "butterflies in the stomach" feeling. But of course this is me pretty much anyone begins to get close to me. I freak out.
This is me freaking out.  (and then facebook stalking ... lol)
I was really hoping to get out of work tonight. Does not look like it will happen. Balls.
Fuck. I am not paying attention to this review session at all. I should just go home and do something much more productive. But shit I want to get out of work and I need email for that and I don't have motherfucking internet at home. At least it's one less thing to pay for.... heh heh. But that's not much consolation because it sucks balls to not have internet. Well actually I've managed to get 6 pages of my 15-20 page research paper done. Which is amazing because it's not due for another week!

Well anyway I really should pay attention.....
But... this is the guy who Bush called a genius
"Look, he's a very competitive guy," Rove said of Bush. "None of us is indispensable or unreplaceable except (Bush) and Dick Cheney and they ain't going anywhere. And he will use every lever at his command and use every power that he's got as president — which is considerable."
... Other than the obvious sickening bullshit of that statements... it's not UNreplaceable... it's IRreplaceable. hahahha.. yeah I'm some sort of grammar Nazi.. but seriously UNreplaceable...
At least he has resigned. And will hopefully crawl into some dark hole and never influence politics again. (this is probably won't happen, but I can dream...)

I love my job.

Man what a weird week. To add to the weird weeks. Fuck. I dunno.

Also I am ridiculously high. Man I missed smoking in the dorms on my break. So much nostalgia....  Fuck.

Only like an hour left of my shift. haha. I know I said I love my job. But I am so fucking tired. Didn't have time to get coffee or anything and I barely slept last night. Shit.

I have so much fucking work to do this wkend. It is fucking ridiculous. Blah.

Anyway I really have nothing to say. I'm just posting for the sake of boredom and high-ness. LoL.

Early thoughts....

- Bush is supporting Gonzalez out of personal loyalty.
- Ryan Crocker, the American ambassador in Iraq, has an office in Saddam Hussein's Republican Palace.

Also my appetite is slowly taking over my budget. I am such a fatty. Why is food so good?!

a few things....

one.. the most common response i hear from people when i say that we need to get the fuck out of iraq is things will get worse if we withdraw. i think i've heard that answer at least a dozen times. and i always ask... as opposed to what? NOT withdrawing? cos that will make things better!! ... it just irks me that rational and smart ppl actually believe that the US staying in iraq will be beneficial. the iraqi ppl for better or worse need to regain their autonomy and figure shit out for themselves... obviously with help ... but not in the form of "military help" ... maybe just you know some friendly advice on how to get their country back on track. but shit ... if you look at the history of that area, well... i dunno, if you look at history in general, it all pretty much explains why it's all fucked up.

i don't like talking about politics with most people. mostly because there's so few people that actually do agree with me. everyone's fucking moderate. fuck that. or just rattles of the same shit that i've heard like a million times.

i'm going to be disappointed in the next president. i know that already. whoever gets elected will be better than Bush... but they're still going to be engaged in the hegemonic elite ideology, just a lil more to the left. it's frustrating seeing all of this shit unfold... there needs to be some major changes, but how and where to begin...

and one last point... berkeley is not as dangerous, scary, and unsafe as it's made out to be. ppl are so fucking afraid to be outside. esp after dark. but i walk around in the middle of the night all the fucking time. seeing how work usually ends at 3am for me, because i like being awake at night, parties end late, i enjoy safeway at odd hours... i've walked around Berkeley at all times of the night and never have i ever been approached by anyone threatening. and i've never met anyone who's gotten mugged or harrassed here either. obviously it's hard to draw a conclusion just from my experiences... but i think that the idea of certain places being so scary and so dangerous is just a trick. because fear is one of the best methods of mind control. ppl who live in fear confuse me.
for example, this girl i was partners with for a project wouldn't meet with me on campus after dark. she claimed that she  was too afraid to walk anywhere by herself at night. she also said that if she was ever outside somewhere at night she'd just call her boyfriend to walk her. ... plllleaaseee that is fucking ridic as fuck.
which is why it's so fucking irritating for me to have guys i know want to walk me home. it's like shit, it's really not that dangerous, and i am fucking perfectly capable of walking myself most places... and honestly will having someone with me really reduce my chances of a mugging.. but yeah i dunno just something i was thinking about today as i was walking home from work. i love berkeley in the middle of the night, everything is so quiet... and peaceful.

well actually almost everything, for some strange reason PG&E has been on my street fixing something for the entire day... and night... they were still going at it when i came through at 3am. complete with bright lights and lots of noise. ... this really couldn't wait until daylight?! i wonder what could have possibly happened that was that urgent...

hmm i seem to be updating more lately. we'll see if this continues...

I'm not homeless!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY :] It's official! :] And my new place totally kicks ass.... and I'll be living across the street from Nima. literally. lol. who would have known. but anyway i'm pretty ecstatic.

In other news, my boobs have shrunk.  At first I thought it was just me, but I went bra-shopping today and back to an A-cup... haha. wtf happened. Of ALL the places to lose weight. hehe, but it's okay I would hate having big boobs (they'd just get in the way...). and there's no way these motherfuckers will ever sag.

I can't believe there's only a month left of summer. That's intense. And I am just so relieved that I'm not homeless. And that it only took a week of intense apt. hunting to find a place. I thought we'd be fucked for sure. Hopefully we'll be moving in at the beginning of August. I'm gonna be soooo broke. But it was my choice to save money and spend my summer up here and fuck, it was worth it.

Anyway... I dunno, I have a lot of reading to do... but yeah... to sum up: I have a place to live next month & my boobs are shrinking. ... haha, my life is awesome. (and I gotta poo...)

So I've managed to pretty much waste all of today in procrastination. I have a paper due tomorrow, which I still have not finished. But I only have 600 words left... and well honestly once I sit down and start writing instead of fucking around I can probably get it done in under an hour. Unfortunately today has just not been a very productive day for me. I don't like unproductive days, they piss me off. I just have very little motivation to write this because

a. it's a bullshit question
b. it's only 600 words
c. my class is tomorrow at 2pm
d. it's summer
e. it's only worth 20% of my grade
f. i suck at life
g. i'm pretty fucking lazy

... the number of reasons for me NOT doing this paper right now completely outweigh the number of reasons I should do it.

haha. yep. arr, i'm ridiculuous. and lazy. why do i procrastinate so much?!!? i've done so many VERY random things today, incl. facebook stalking and reading old aim convos... hahaha. it's weird looking back on things ... it gives you such a difft perspective. life is such a freaking mystery.

i wonder what junior year in college will be like. what living with raechal and brittney will be like (hopefully we will not live on a boat...). everything is just so up in the air.... and .... i dunno. it's so easy to get stuck in the past because you have no idea what the future might bring... but well sometimes it is good to remember the past. because it reminds you how insignificant the present actually is. i've spent countless nights stressing over papers and shit.. and well, in the end shit gets done and everything turns out ok. that's what i love about life the most, everything is just ok in the end.

i'm just rambling now.

interestingly enough last night i was talking to someone that used to mean a lot to me back in the day. and now because so much time has passed, i've genuinely stopped caring... i guess time does heal everything. oh time, what a tricky bastard. but when i realized last night that i didn't care anymore, it made me realize that probably three or four years from now, i won't care about any of this bad shit either. and well that's okay.

and also, for the first time in forever i'm actually not in love and not obsessed with anyone! yay for me. it's a weird feeling. and well i dunno where this will lead me. i remember junior year in high school, sorta. well ok, that's a lie i don't remember it very well at all... i miss high school. not even the people sometimes. but just going to high school... being a high school student. i don't want to grow up.

[edit at 6:48am: YES I'M DONE!!!]

I'm pretty pissed.

[edit: i'm not pissed, just disappointed.]

hehe :]

i'm having too much fun. ... it's probably bad for me. but oh well :]

it looks so beautiful outside :]

So far... I don't want to do anything ever again. I finally moved in with Rae and Britt. It's pretty awesome living here :] It's just such a fucking beautiful place, I love it. On Friday, we all did shrooms with Jing. We walked through campus and then to Northside to the Rose Garden... and some trails in some park by the Rose Garden. The Bay Area is so amazing! And campus, well campus is gorgeous as always. One day when I'm older I want to live in Berkeley just so I can walk around. Me and Rae walked around last night because we got bored of being inside all day. We ended up at the Big C. It was really foggy and kinda cold, but it was quite the hike.

Britt is moving out today though :[. I still have to unpack, do some laundry, take a shower, ... there's actually a list of shit I have to do, when I'm sober and it's the weekday. I have to email some people, I need to go in for some advising about summer classes. We also gotta find more alcohol. I'm also furiously working on my scrapbook. Finally time to scrapbook!! I need to finish my little journal too. Who knows what I will do next. But I gotta get this shit done before summer school starts. I need to order books. I have work today at 10pm, but that doesn't really mean anything beyond the fact that I'll have to sit somewhere and do something for five hours. I want more internat'l kids to move in... or at least some pretty ones to look at :] but so far.. nope... just eccentric foreigners.

I dunno nothing else to really say. Except that the bipolar weather is making everyone sick. And I really don't want to get sick.

And as for a guy/love update. Well, well... eh, there's nothing really new to say. I do miss Jer tho. But... well... hmmm I think Britt is  going to start moving so and she's probably gonna need help... anyway, yeah I'm out.

good quote of the week: "you know when I look back on college, I think it will be a happy memory". Jing said this while we were sitting out on my balcony and he was helping me move. It made me smile because it seems like a lot of my close friends end up hating everything. It's so nice to have genuinely happy people in your life. And just good people in general who will make you laugh :]

I hate when I feel like I'm in the middle of a train track and I keep looking and I think I see a train coming, but I can't move. I'm not sure what it is... but it's like this dense feeling of fear. Dread. My intuition is tagging at me. No idea why. Bah.

I wish I could act like a normal human being around him. Or something in the vicinity of normal.
But it gets harder with time instead of easier.
Especially after this weekend.
I ended up coming over to his place to see his roommate, which sounds scandalous but it's really not because his roommate is one of my close friends. But anyway, my ex showed up drunk while me and his roommate were hanging out. Awkward. He tried to make conversation with me but I really wanted him to go away. When I finally escaped him to go hang out with my  friend in his room, my ex texted me "3some?" followed by "Cmooon"
Fucking asshole.
He does it just to fuck with me. And okay it fucks with me! But cmon fucking let it go. Just leave me the fuck alone. He's the one who didn't want to talk to me.
Fuck after his facebook message on my wall, I blocked him on FB and on AIM, but I can't block him from texting me. I can't wait until he leaves on Sunday. A whole summer without him around. It's gonna be great.
I bumped into him today at the Den. I'm fucking pissed. I wanted to fucking avoid him until summer started until he was out of my fucking life. Goddamn, I wish he'd just die, drop out of Cal, or just go away. ARGH.
I don't think I've ever hated someone as much as I hate him. And it bugs me. I hate hating someone. But HES SUCH A FUCKING ASS. blah! I hope next year he decides to live in a co-op, gets new friends and stops talking to all of us.

14 months ago, I became vegeterian (I currently occassionally eat seafood, but I've been trying not to). Even though it's only been 14 months, I can't even remember what it was like to eat meat. And maybe (probably) because I live in Berkeley, it's not that hard.

Today, I've decided to buy everything fair trade. Starting with clothes. As of today, I am no longer going to purchase any clothes made in sweatshops. Yep.

I will try to extend that to everything else, but I'll see how it goes. I figure it will be easier to start small first. Next year me and Brit are going to make our apartment green! (or at least attempt to..).

Anyway, thought I'd make it official... and announce it on livejournal :]

Also Saturday is World Fair Trade Day :]

we all need to stop and think.
for a minute think about who you are, where you are, how you live, what you consume, how you consume, and how all your choices affect everyone around you and those across the globe.
everything is so intricately linked, it's quite the beautiful and hideous web.

so i can't seem to concentrate. i hate when this shit happens, but well i just feel very spacy today.. i've gotten some work done, but i dunno, just been all over the place.

the weather in berkeley is on crack. i woke up on saturday at 5pm, walked out at 6pm and was like wtf, why the hell is it warm. it's supposed to be even hotter tmrw.. INSANITY.. hahaa... i need to find a good place to study outside.. myb memorial glade..
the only thing that sucks is the lack of AC.. haha.. which makes everything so so so hot... i'm gonna spend summer in my underwear :]

i haven't heard from my mom in awhile.. i thought about emailing her.. but well.. it's this time of year again.. it feels a lil bit like deja vu... eh whatever...

it's funny how small of a community berkeley can be. i love it. i never want to leave. i kinda wish college could last forever. yep. i wish i could stay in berkeley for forever. just like this. wow. for some reason i'm bursting with happiness... hehe. it's cos i'm in love ... i'm in love with everything that is berkeley... and friendly awesome people...

hmm and lil afterthought about my tat... i got it because it means so much to me, not only because the person who designed it is an artist that i really respect.. but because it encompasses me. or at least who i have become which has been in the making for the last 20 years... but now i've realized that it also reflects those sentiments to other people... and i don't really mind... because well i don't really give a fuck about what other people think... but it definitely changes people's first perception of me... which i just never really expected.. i just never thought about it... i dunno... i love love love love my tat to death... but well... ive just realized i completely suck at understanding the consequences of my actions.. hmmm... i think that's something ryan told me once.... and it's why i suck at chess (and made up my own version of it..), strategic planning not my thing..

but anyway i'm going to get another tat at some point, i'm thinking of getting it on my wrist... but i'm not sure yet.. i have to wait for the perfect moment and the perfect inspiration. i've always said that i wanted to get a penguin... but it hasn't happened yet.. lol... maybe on my wrist? not sure... and prolly another piercing.. my lobe closed again.. arrr! haha.... i dunno .. i might still go for the eyebrow... decisions decisions... lol. i am so addicted to body modification..

okay so my weekend: amazing!

Friday: Dance Marathon, which is still the best event ever [obviously not incl cal lobby day]. (minus any boys who try to kiss my neck... eh?)

Saturday: sleep (TWELVE HOUR DANCE MARATHON) and PARTY!! lol. According to Vince I was a hassle trying to get home.

Now: slightly hungover, about to go study....

Yay!! :]

I am going to take a minute to appreciate the Internet because honestly it is like the most amazing thing ever. Like wow. I don't think I could imagine life without the Internet... *thinks for a second* nope can't do it. In fact let's all take a moment and thank Tim Berners-Lee and JCR Licklider for making it all possible :]

also, I've done entirely too much facebook stalking today. oh facebook. i <3 internet.

45

E-40 is stuck in my head. but that is beside the point. i cannot wait until the summer! i cannot wait for this semester to be over... and for the next one to start. ... i dunno, honestly i dunno though..

but i do know one thing.. i am not coming anywhere close to so cal. no way. there is just no way i could go back so cal. i cannot handle the memories. i never wanna go back.

i am trying desperately to follow Sara's advice and let it go because some things are just meant to be let go off. and wow i don't think i've ever truly appreciated how much it sucks to date your best friend who is best  friends with all your best friends and then break up horribly. with me saying that he made me miserable.. and him.. well... I actually can't remember what he said to me.. which is probably not a good thing.. i've learned nothing.. but, lol, well.. yeah it sucks big time. it's awkward all around, you have to see the person on an almost daily basis - and trust me it sucks seeing someone that mildly dislikes you and that you mildly dislike so much. it sucks even more in terms of weed. it just sucks. lol. ahhh! i am so tired of it sucking. but i am looking forward to next year... summer will be good.. just a few weeks..

but until then .... [ o.O ]

my throat is killing me. arr... arr... *wheeze. i dunno, i was having such a weird off-day yesterday... and now i just kinda wanna cry... for no reason... hahaha... blah, i hate being moody. and i just slept for 12 hours. i was so tired....

ahhhhh, arr! lol. election results come out tonight.. i dunno what to think. in general. ever. fuck, i have so much shit to do. this sucks.